Could this be your year to find your soulmate and enjoy love that lasts? Maybe you’ve been hibernating and you’re getting ready to come out of your cave. If you’re like many singles, you’ve been feeling isolated and now you may want to charge ahead, slap a profile online and get involved with the first attractive person you find.
STOP in the name of love! If you really want to find a compatible life partner, you need to SLOW down, assess your situation and let go of anything that’s stopping you FIRST
Why should you slow down when you’re feeling lonely and you’re in a hurry to find the one? Because you want to find the right one for you! Most people say that their relationships are more important to them than anything else in their lives, yet many rush into romance when there’s a spark, and end up disappointed. Before jumping or falling into your next liaison, take a breath, and take a look at your life.
ASSESS YOUR SITUATION
When you take an honest look at your life right now, what do you notice? Are you seeing someone who isn’t your match? Are you too busy with other aspects of your life to even find time or energy for a relationship? Are you recovering from a break-up or divorce and feeling uncertain about the future? Perhaps you’ve been single for a long time and don’t know where to start. Maybe you’ve been on so many first dates that you’ve lost track, and you’re feeling discouraged and disgusted with dating.
WHAT’S STOPPING YOU?
Do you need to let someone go?
Are you seeing someone who isn’t the right someone for you? Sometimes, we may think we’ve met the one, even though there are red flags. Maybe, like Sarah, you want to ignore the amount of alcohol that he consumes and hope he’ll change and stop drinking so much. Or maybe, like me, years ago, you’ll stay with him, thinking you can change his mind and he will decide he wants a child after all (Don’t worry, Sarah and I both moved on to healthier relationships and I’m happily married with a 10 year old son now).
If you’re hoping that something will change or trying to change someone, don’t waste your time. People don’t change unless they want to change. If you can’t be happy unless he changes, and he doesn’t want to change, it’s time for you to let go.
Another common scenario is the friends with benefits arrangement that you know is going nowhere. Are you spending time with someone who doesn’t make you a priority and who doesn’t feel right for you? As long as you are caught up with this person, are you truly available to meet your soulmate? If you want to meet your life partner, you need to be fully available, body, mind and spirit. You deserve more and you can be courageous and let go.
If you are having trouble letting go of someone, get the support you need to release this person and move on.
Sometimes, what holds us back most aren’t people but beliefs we have.
No time for love?
When Kathy first started working with me (before 2020), she was putting in 60+ hours at the office each week, and spending her free time with women friends and at women’s yoga classes, yet she wanted to have a male partner in her life. Her home was also full of her stuff with no extra room in the closets. Kathy believed that she had to work extra-long hours, her friends needed her and changing her routine was too hard.
Have you designed your life so there’s no time or space for a partner? Is finding a relationship truly a priority for you? Kathy decided it was.
She shifted her priorities and beliefs. Kathy talked to her colleagues and found a way to cut back on her work hours, she cleaned out her closets and started going to co-ed events and parties. Kathy got crystal clear about the kind of relationship she desired and became much more confident about asking for what she wanted. Her new husband is thrilled that he found her, and Kathy is overjoyed with him and the comfortable, mature and loving marriage they have. Her community has expanded to include his friends as well as hers and together, they enjoy socializing often.
What changes would allow you to make finding a relationship a priority? How can you make time and space for your true love?
What beliefs are holding you back?
Like Jane, many of my clients are recovering from a divorce, breakup or death of a partner and feeling uncertain about the future. Jane is in her early 60’s and fears that she won’t get another chance at love, she’s too old, it’s too late and there are no good men left. Does this sound familiar? Can you see how these types of beliefs stop you from the love you really want? When you examine these beliefs, are they actually true? What if they were false and you could replace them? Would you be willing to let go of harmful beliefs that are holding you back? What new beliefs would serve you better?
Another former client, Nadia, shifted her impeding beliefs, realized how fabulous she is and recently met someone she’s crazy about. They are both 70 years old, and they’re having the time of their lives!
Maybe, like Peter, you’ve been alone for years, and you’re feeling overwhelmed about the thought of dating now. Maybe you have beliefs stopping you, such as: I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to do. It’s too hard to meet people. I’m too confused about dating and relationships. Maybe you’re wondering, is it even possible to meet people at this age?
What if you could take baby steps that worked for you? You can gain clarity about the life and relationship you want and confidence that you can have it. You can start by letting yourself dream about a future that makes you smile, maybe focusing on a special day with your future beloved and how wonderful it feels to spend this day together. From a calm, confident perspective, you can take one step at a time, becoming clearer about what you’re looking for and more open to connecting with others.
Feeling discouraged, disappointed or disgusted with dating?
Maybe you’ve taken a break from dating. Perhaps you’ve been on several dating sites and gone on so many first dates that you can’t remember half of them. Are you sick and tired of dating? Why haven’t you found a great partner yet? Maybe you’ve decided there’s something wrong with you. Here is a sampling of some of the beliefs that I’ve heard working with singles over the past two decades – I’m too quirky, odd, particular, heavy, poor, funny looking or just not good enough. I need to be something else to find love (more attractive, adventurous, wealthier – just better).
Maybe there’s a part of you that believes: Other people deserve love but not me or I can’t even imagine what true love would be like. Or maybe you’ve decided: My partner has to look a certain way (tall, dark and handsome?), or have a certain profession. Perhaps you think: All the good ones are taken, I have to settle, they’re all duds, boring, unattractive, and unappealing, I can’t have what I really want, I need to take what I can get or be alone.
How might these beliefs get in the way of creating a life you love with the love of your life? What if none of these beliefs are actually true?
The real truth is that you are fabulous and deserving of love just as you are, and your ideal partner is eager to find you. Your job is to let go of beliefs that stop you, so you feel confident and unstoppable. Then, you can learn how to take the steps to become your best self and create your best relationship yet!
For many people this is daunting to take on alone and getting the support of a relationship coach or counselor can help you find love sooner. It’s worth it to take the time to let go of limiting beliefs and consciously design a dating plan that is fun and effective. This is your precious life and you deserve a life that you truly love with your true love by your side.
*The names of clients have been changed to protect their identity.